Shard Wine
by FluffyCannibal
Summary: Shepard wakes up with a Krogan charging inside her head and no recollection of the night before, so her squad fill her in on the details. Mild ME3 spoilers. One shot. And Shepard can be a little...outrageous...in places.


_**A/N- This is my first fiction in a very long time, and my first ME fiction ever. It's set during Mass Effect 3, contains minor spoilers, and hints at F!Shep / Kaidan, but ISN'T a Shenko fic.**_

_**Also, 10 Paragon points to anyone who spots the Friends reference!**_

Shepard woke up feeling like there was a krogan charging inside her head. In blood rage. Wearing boots made of steel and a hat covered in daggers, just bouncing off of the insides of her head where her brain used to be. She rolled out of bed, fell to the floor, got up, stumbled, and landed back on her bed. 'Great move' she thought to herself. Realising she was still fully dressed from the night before she slowly got back up and very carefully made her way out of her cabin and into the elevator, down to the third floor, the crew deck.

In all the time she'd spent on the Normandy, Shepard did not remember the elevator spinning like this...

When the elevator stopped moving...and spinning...Shepard stepped off, and made her way to the kitchen area to grab some breakfast. The mess sergeant handed her something that vaguely resembled scrambled eggs on toast, then Shepard half-stumbled her way to a table where her squad were already sat, eating and talking.

The moment Shepard sat down she suddenly became aware that everyone was staring at her with the same slightly bemused look. A look that, come to think of it, the mess sergeant had just given her, too. While Shepard's very blurred mind was figuring this out, Kaidan quietly excused himself from the table, muttering something about reports to complete, and desperately tried not to make eye contact with Commander Shepard.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Garrus, somehow managing an evil grin despite being a turian and therefore incapable of such of a thing, was the first to speak.

"So Commander, exactly how much of last night do you remember?"

Come to think of it, last night was a bit of a blur for the Commander. Well, 'bit of a blur' was an understatement, she couldn't remember anything after heading down to the crew deck for dinner.

"I, uh, I don't feel so great" replied Shepard, noting that the entire ship was somehow spinning.

"I wonder how that could be, Lola." James chimed in, his face inheriting the same grin that Garrus was wearing. "After all, you could drink a krogan under the table, couldn't you?" He added, mockingly.

"I was drinking?" Shepard asked, confused, but slowly realising that drinking would explain the krogan stomping around inside her head. And the spinning. Lots of spinning.

"You _could_ say that. Although I think...what's that human expression? Completely wasted? That would be a _lot_ closer to the truth" Garrus said, still grinning like an evil maniac.

"To make such a fool of oneself would have been punishable by death during The Empire, but I suppose you already knew that didn't you primitive?" Javik, their prothean squadmate spat out, glowering, before leaving the table with an air of contempt. Well, more so than usual, anyway.

Shepard, startled by the fact it was even _possible_ for Javik to be in a worse mood than usual, stopped attempting to feed herself. "Wh...what happened?" she mumbled.

"Well Lola," said James, leaning forwards in his seat. "Last night you came down here, raiding the kitchen for snacks that 'Don't taste like varren' when you discovered a couple of old bottles of Batarian Shard Wine that had slipped behind one of the cupboards. Most of us were already in here, and we tried telling you that at its best Shard Wine isn't even worth cleaning a toilet with, let alone when its as old and dusty as those bottles were, but you were adamant that you were gonna 'have a party'. Needless to say, we didn't join in with the drinking. You downed a couple glasses of that stuff, and were wasted right away. That's when the fun began."

"It didn't look like much fun where I was sat" said Tali, the quiet quarian member of the squad.

"That's coz you need to loosen up Sparks, remember?" replied James.

Shepard, confused, asked "So what _exactly_ happened? Wh-why is Javik even more pissed off than usual?"

"Well," began Garrus. "You decided that we weren't having enough fun. So you jumped on top of that table," Garrus gestured to the table between the kitchen area and the table they were sat at, "and started dancing. Badly. Javik saw this, scowled at you, and made some remark about 'primitive behaviour'. At which you proceeded to pour wine into his mouth. To say Javik was unimpressed would be to say Saren was a bringer of peace and light. Utterly furious, he screamed at you-"

"-I swear to God the whole ship shook, he was that loud-" James interrupted.

"-'In The Empire behaviour such as this would be punishable by death!'" continued Garrus. "And you replied 'But according to you, _everything_ was punishable by death during the oh-so-great empire of yours. Was smiling punishable by death, too? Is that why you're so damn miserable all the time? Lighten the hell up. The Reapers can't have had much of a hard time destroying you. You were too busy killing each other for not using correct pronunciation, or wearing the correct coloured socks. Did you even have socks? Let me see your feet.' At which point you grabbed his leg, fell off the table you were still standing on, knocked him over and landed on top of him. Then you said something along the lines of 'Commander Javik, I only asked to see your socks. No need to get frisky, especially in front of so many people.'"

"Oh dear lord" moaned Shepard, covering her eyes with her hands.

Tali picked up where Garrus left off, "That's when he _completely_ lost it. He used his biotics to pick you both up, nearly sent you crashing through the table, then gave you this _horrible_ stare. All four of his eyes looked like they were trying to burn holes into you. Then he just turned, completely silent, and walked straight out of the room. Somehow his silence was terrifying. Then you...well..." Tali trailed off, glancing at Garrus then staring down at the table.

"Then, I, being the good friend that I am, tried to persuade you to put the wine down. You were drinking it straight out of the bottle by then," Garrus' two toned voice described. "But you were having none of it."

"Instead, you used Scars' shoulders as leverage to get back onto your 'podium'," James said, gesturing at the next table, "and between swigs of batarian rat piss you told him to, and I quote, 'Take that turian stick out of your turian ass and brighten up. Everyone needs to brighten up. Now, Garrus, my dear XO, how about instead of picking on me, you _finally_ tell Tali that you love her. It's sooooo obvious.' Now, I'm sure I saw Scars blush there."

"Turians do **not** blush" Garrus interrupted.

"Whatever, I know what I saw," continued James. "Anyway, your 'dear XO' tried to pull you back off the table and shut you up, but instead, you used your biotics to pick up a frying from over on the counter, and wave it in front of Scars' face. 'Beware The Biotic Frying Pan' you started saying. 'The Reapers are nothing compared to the terror of The Biotic Frying Pan, ready to hit the face of any turian trying to spoil my fun. Speaking of turians and faces, hey everyone! You heard Jokers, uh, joke, about Garrus? What's the problem with a rocket that, no, wait, a _turian_ that's been hit in the face by a rocket? Telling which side the turian's on...no, wait, I told it wrong...' and Scars started rolling his eyes just like he's doing right now.

"Anyway, after you dropped the pan - or did it attack the floor? - then you picked on Tali." James went on, as Garrus gave a slight growl which he tried, and failed, to disguise as a cough. "Poor lil' Sparks. You told her how she needs to stop being so shy, 'loosen the hell up', and just tell the 'big spiky monster' that she loves him too. Then you jumped off your 'podium', grabbed poor Sparks, pulled her off of her seat and pushed her onto Scars, telling her to 'go calibrate his gun'."

Shepard facepalmed the table, muttering "I'm so so sorry," while wondering why the table was _spinning_.

"That's not even the worst of it, Commander" Liara, the young gentle asari at the table joined the conversation. "I don't think the Major is ever going to be able to look you in the face again."

Shepard sat bolt upright, despite the action giving her motion sickness. "Kaidan? What did I do?" she demanded with a look in her eyes not a million miles from that of a vorcha staring down the barrels of a shotgun.

"Touched a soft spot have we Lola?" James' tone was mocking.

"If someone doesn't tell me what happened right now, I'm letting Javil throw you all out the airlock." Shepard demanded in the strongest tone she could muster. Which in the state she was in, sounded like a cross between a dying pyjack and a stoned Salarian.

"Hmm, we'll take that as a yes then" Garrus said with a glint in his eyes.

Shepard was unsure she could open her mouth without throwing up but still insisted, "Tell. Me. Now."

"At some point during this fiasco that you had created Kaidan had come in here for his supper." Liara began to explain. "When you eventually realised he was here-"

"And had finished groping Scars and Sparks"

"-you turned your attention to him. First you offered him a drink which he politely declined. Then you accused him of being a - what was that expression? Party pooper? Just like the rest of us. You then tried to order him to loosen the...I won't say the exact word you used as I have manners," Liara glared at the Commander, "But lets just say you don't do it with Aria. Anyway, you told him to loosen the _that word_ up, and have fun for once. Because according to you he's too sexy to be so tense all the time."

Shepard resumed facepalming the table and groaned in embarrassment at her apparent actions the night before.

James reached across the table and patted Shepard on the head. "The fun didn't stop there Lola! Then you ordered the major to refer to you as Commander Sexy from now on. Then...EDI, maybe a visual would be more helpful to the Commander?" James turned to the mech sat at the table, which served as the body to the ship's AI.

"Certainly James," came EDI's reply. "That is, unless the sexiness of my voice is too distracting for you, Commander?" Shepard was beyond embarrassed. "It's ok Commander. From extranet research and careful observation of Lieutenant Vega post-mission-"

"Careful? How careful? Have you been spying on me in the shower EDI? Like what you see, huh?"

"Vega, don't think I can't hear you!" Jeff "Joker" Moreau, pilot of the Normandy and the boyfriend of its computer, warned James through the ship's intercom.

"Thankyou Jeff, and for the record Lieutenant," EDI turned her attention to James momentarily "I, to all intents and purposes, _am_ the ship. I see and hear everything that occurs on board, meaning I see all of you in the shower." EDI smirked slightly, making the members of the crew present unsure of whether she was amused at their expense, or if it was a joke and she didn't really have cameras in the showers...did she? "Not that you have anything that impresses me Lieutenant." Now it was Joker's turn to smirk.

"As I was about to say, from research and observations I have concluded that organics rarely intend the actions they carry out while intoxicated, no matter how humorous they may be.

"However, returning to the subject at hand, I can provide a playback of the camera feeds from the mess hall last night, showing the events to which James is referring. Please turn your attention to the screens above."

The two screens above the table they were sat at quickly changed from a news feed to surveillance footage of the room they were sat in from the night before. Commander Shepard was stood on the table next to the one they were now sat at, looking dishevelled to say the least, one bottle of wine discarded at her feet, another in her hands as she struggled to remove the batarian equivalent of a cork.

"This stupid bottle needs to loosen the-" the image of Shepard began to say before the tv froze.

"For the purposes of decorum, I will replace certain words the Commander used with the word puppy." EDI stated before resuming the footage.

"-_puppy_ up too. Are you related? Of course not." Shepard jumped down from the table, landing right in front of Kaidan, her face inches from his. "Batarians aren't that good looking" Shepard winked ('What? I don't wink!' Shepard thought to herself), pulling up her omni-tool and using the blade function to pull the fastening off of the bottle in her hand, nearly taking the Major's eye out in the process and causing him to take a step back. "Hey, I haven't given you permission to move away from me!" Shepard took a step forwards. "I know what will loosen you up" she said with a smile, shoving Major Alenko into a chair behind him.

The commander then swaggered towards Kaidan, in what everyone assumed was intended to be a sexy way but was more like a drunken stumble, attempting to undo the top two buttons on the alliance regulation shirt she was wearing, spilling wine from the bottle that was still in her hand, and mumbling "_Puppy_" to herself as she struggled with them. Shepard stood with one leg on either side of Kaidan's lap so she was straddling him and started throwing the top half of her body back and forth, in what could only be assumed to be a very poor attempt at a lap dance. She turned herself around and sat on his lap, moving her hips and gyrating against him, while he had a look on his face that was a mixture of horror, humility and disbelief that his CO was acting like a maniac. Finally Shepard collapsed back onto Kaidan and turned her head to his with a drunken smirk on her face.

"There," she slurred, "That should have you nice and loosened up. Have I ever told you how great you are? You're really really _hiccup_ great. You're all kind and sweet and sensitive, but you're still this kick ass soldier. Its like you're perfect. Really really _puppy_ing perfect. Really really..." and the Commander's head slumped back, the wine fell from her hand and she passed out.

The screen returned to streaming news reports, and everyone's attention returned to the table. More specifically to the Commander, who was attempting to hide under the still-spinning ('Why isn't everyone spinning with it?') table in shame and embarrassment.

"Ever the gentleman, the Major picked you up and carried you to the elevator and up to your cabin." Liara explained.

"No use hiding under the table, Lola. Unless you've got time travel technology under there then there's no-thing you can do about what happened" James' voice sounded a little _too_ gleeful.

"Actually, there is something else." EDI offered. "This was recorded from your omni-tool;"

'Hmmph. Mr Sexy Major Alenko, where are you taking _hiccup_ me?' Came Shepard's voice through the intercom speakers.

'You've had a little too much, Commander, I'm taking you to bed.' Kaidan's voice followed.

'Oooh, Major! I know I gave you a lap dance, but I wasn't expecting things to move _this_ fast!'

'Maybe I made a bad choice of words. You, Shepard, are going to sleep. I am going back downstairs.'

'No _hiccup_ fair. I wanna go back down. I'm in charge here, you don't give orders. Even if you do outrank me. We have a _hiccup_ really _puppy_ed up ship. A major and an admiral serve under a commander on a human ship, captured from _hiccup _terrorists, with a turian XO and a 50,000 year old bug. Javik really looks like a giant squishy bug.'

'You might want to _not_ say that around Javik.'

'Why? What's the squishy bug-man gonna do? Punish me to _hiccup_ death? No, by death _hiccup_. Hiccup me to death. Do aliens hiccup? I never asked.'

The sound of the elevator door opening announced that they had arrived at Shepard's cabin.

'I'm not sure.'

'Hey, we're at my room.' The sound of another door opening meant they were stepping into the cabin. 'Say hi to Mr. Space _hiccup_ Hamster. Squeak squeak.'

'Hello.'

'He's really great. Just like you.'

'Thank you Commander'

'Kiss me'

'You're drunk.'

'I'm fine. I could out ship everyone on this drink _hiccup_'

'I'm sure you could' Kaidan said with a chuckle. 'Here you are, now get some sleep.' From the sound of a soft clunk it could be assumed that Kaidan had placed the Commander on her bed.

But this was followed by sound of a soft drunken moan from Shepard, and a sound of alarm from Kaidan.

EDI paused the recording for a moment. "At this point, your heart rate raised, Commander, and your hormones spiked slightly. This would suggest that you kissed Major Alenko."

The recording resumed.

'That was really really perfect. See? Lifes more fun when you loosen up.'

'O...k Commander. Can you let go of my neck now?'

'Really really perfect'

'Just get some...no, stop trying to take your shirt off. Let's do these buttons back up.'

'No, you're going the wrong way!'

'You're watching this backwards Shepard. That's why it looks like I'm putting your clothes back on.'

'Oh, that makes sense.'

Kaidan laughed, 'Of course it does'

'Mmph' Then came the sound of Shepard snoring lightly.

'Goodnight Commander'

The recording ended, and Shepard spoke from under the table.

"If there is **anyone** still here in two minutes when I come out from under this table then you're **all** puppy-ing court marshalled."


End file.
